Self hate, so much to answer for. I had a bit of a mind fuck up north. Walking down the road after having had a grudging thanks that I thought was more of a jeering thanks from Rich after I told him he makes me jealous, he's getting so bloody good (well, he *is* for Chrissakes). Suddenly thinking - all my life, I'm undermined by yet seek out the company of a succession of insecure male 'pedestal figures'. I can reel them off if you want. I mean without even thinking I can say David, James, Dan, Richie, Stu, Rich, Jim, Graham, Paul, John, Paul? Well, maybe….

I'm not saying at all that those people are bad, or mean or not friends or weren't friendly… or anything. It's just that I'm drawn to smart guys who just vibe off their own insecurities and ego masturbate with the best of them.

Why? It suddenly occurred to me and I felt like Homer Simpson. Like - duh, don't you get it? It's because of your Dad you stupid idiot. You love your Dad, you always try to impress him with how cool, smart, good (etc) you are. He's a total egomaniac, and he's an emotionally… umm, vibrant person too. Owen has grown up a bit like that as well - but I can't really avoid those two now can I. I've learned how to deal with them - sort of. Or have I. Now I think about it, there are times in my relationship with Owen when I try to do exactly the same thing - impress him. Is that so terrible? Probably not, yet at the same time I'm glad I now know it.

So the question is now - what to do with this new found knowledge… answer - try to avoid people who I can recognise as being this "type" unless it's under very specific and controlled conditions i.e.: not in Edinburgh when they've just come out of a gig that didn't go too well, for example, but certainly over supper having a laff.