I had an abortion. Basically. Tough thing to talk about most of the time - well, it was a tough thing to talk about when I had it. I was totally freaked out, frankly, but the reasons for that aren't anything to do with guilt or shame - I want to make that absolutely clear
Look, my point is, it's time that women who had taken and do take sensible precautions to stop imagining they have to feel guilty, when something goes wrong and - because women like me keep an absolute and very sensible knowledge of my hormone activities, I knew within a matter of 12 days from conception that I was pregnant. When I went to the clinic they were amazed and dismissive about it because it was too early to operate, but the fact of the matter is that at that stage, you have an *idea* of life which *could* be followed through if you wanted. As it happened, at that time, it was so unbelievably the wrong time to even imagine that it was sensible to think about sprogging. I mean, Jaysus… it would have at least seriously damaged my life, it would mean that sproglington would have had a bloody miserable, skint awful miserable time while I tried to struggle at keeping our lives together, and it would have spelled the end of my relationship as well. Plus, I had only just started what was the first proper job I had ever had. The only reason I'm justifying my position, by the way, is because I know some people might be crawling the walls and screaming "Damn you to hell, bitch!" I have to say, occasionally it occurs to me in the course of other conversations that, yes, I have had an abortion, but never wrenching my hair out with misery saying "how could I do it, I'm doomed". Fuck that, life's too short. Heh, as it were. Sorry, bad joke.
Because at that point, all you have is the "idea" of being pregnant, really, I somehow think that the baby when it comes is still the first one - it's still the first real pregnancy that you have.
I don't really know about longer term abortions - not in terms of what I think should be done, as in "They are wrong, ergo they should be seen as legally wrong because I happen to say so". I don't think *I* could have a late abortion. But then, as I say, I have such an intense knowledge of myself in physical terms, it's never going to happen so I can't really put myself in that position.
well, there you go. It's something you don't find everyone admitting to, but blimey, there were enough whey-faced looking girls at the clinic on the one day I was there to suggest to me that there are not exactly a shortage of women in need of assistance in this taboo area. And the reason it was difficult to talk about? Because of everyone else's expectations surrounding the event. Didn't I feel like a murdering bitch? No. Didn't I feel shame? No. Oh dear, that must be awful for you, the shock - well, yes, because I never expected anything like that to happen, and I don't like General Anaesthetics. Anyway. That's all I have to say on this subject.