Going down to visit my Mother over the weekend was bound to make me judge how we are together and how much like her I am. The answer? Very. But in bizarre ways. She is the reason I can't be silent in a pub or conversation with someone who makes me feel slightly wary. It's a level of insecurity which makes-you-need-to-fill-the- space-with-any-old-rubbish-that's-coming-out-of-your-mouth-at-any-one-time-oh-yes. Apparently I sound like her too. Kai was on the phone after spending a night out with Rich, Stu and Tim, and he said he couldn't tell when she came off the phone and I came on. That makes me very depressed.

The drought seems to definitely be over (at the moment). It's still fairly lulled but you'd be amazed what difference it makes in our lives together, just being that little bit more happy in each other's presence. The answer? For me to take the initiative. So there you go, I'll have to do all the work. Still. Better than no shagging at all, eh?

Mondays are always strange at work, I never really get down to any heavy work until late in the afternoon, then the rest of the week is hunky dory. I don't lie it though. I look back at the day and feel like a lazy git.

3 things: Michael Moore I love you, you wilfully naïve bastard; Impeachment vote - Republicans really are the scum of the Earth and Richard Branson's ballooning exploits have got me much more interested/emotionally involved than I thought I would be. At the moment they are skating dangerously around the borders of China, but they're in the Tibetan area, meaning Mount Everest country, ie: "freezing before help can manage to get to you" type geography.
He's a weird bloke.
The Clinton thing is amazing. He really did manage to make everyone forget the bombing within hours of it finishing, which is a terrible thing - but I hope he can make it. Sounds dumb but I guess I've fallen for him as much as everyone else has over the years. Ach, whatever - I just can't stand right wing evil-minded conniving hypocritical shysters, basically.

Being not well enough to ride my bike is miserable. I feel like a... a slowly rotting piece of fruit. Decaying, gradually. Not terribly gradually, frankly, since I appear to not be getting better, to still have a fever, be coming out in cold sweats oh boy I do so love my utter lack of ability to live a healthy life no matter what steps I take.

I've got to give it a rest with the caffeine next. I know this. It still pisses me off though. Peppermint tea for my insides, water for the rest of me. Oh, hello, I'm Cait, the woman who has so little enjoyment left in everyday food and drink she has to check everything she eats for potential animal content, potentially too much acid content, and those old chesnuts, sugar and fat content. Hoorah!

You know, when I was single, I didn't have any of these problems. Ok, so I was poor too, so I didn't eat anything nice in those days but maybe I should return to those austere days of steamed broccoli and rice with cheap Chinese Soy Sauce (oh no! the Chinease stuff has monosodium glutamate in it! you can't touch that stuff, you'll die!)

Today I spent nearly fifty pounds buying toiletry products as Christmas presents. I then have to go home and give at least eighty pounds to Kai for paying vets bills, then tomorrow I have to shamefacedly pick my bike up from the bike shop and drag it home, pleading illness all week (for the non-pick up). but when she returns, she will have mud guards, and for that, I am happy.

Actually bought some Wilde yesterday. I have a fantastic copy of Salome somewhere in one of the book boxes, a facsimile of the French edition with the Beardsley illustrations. that and a complete plays and so forth, but watching the film made me feel that I wanted to get to know his stuff again. You know, you read the Profundis essay and... shhhhht. That's how he felt. He felt he'd betrayed his family, his name... bloody hell.

I hate my body I hate my body I hate my body.

Bad cold. Scratch that. Insufferable cold at the beginning of the week. Spent the whole of the last three days watching renting three videos at a time (rent two, get one free!).
The Wedding singer. Drew Barrymore, surely the cutest human being alive. Like.
Sliding Doors. Sucks. Really terrible drivvle.
Scream 2: The ending sucks. Just too stupid. And film kid had to die? That was a bit sad.
Philadelphia: rented to view ending for Kai, since he missed the beginning on the box at the beginning of the week. Good acting, what can I say… you know… good film, didn't really need some revelatory new opinion on AIDS really and it didn't give me one either.
Wilde. Stephen Fry very good, if a bit overtly melancholy all the time. Surely fucking young men must be at least vaguely enjoyable? The whole… the whole Oscar Wilde episode in English judicial history is so appallingly shameful it almost makes me feel sick, despite the somewhat obvious point that it's fairly clear where I would stand on such a subject. He was one of our best, and we treated him like a criminal. It's like original sin shame… even in our enlightened era, whenever that may be, we will still be stuck with the sins of our forebears. Oh, joy. Anyway, whatever the 6th film was, it obviously made a huge impression on me because I can't for the life of me remember what it was.

The UK has once again proven it's position as the US's lap-dog. I mean, it's hardly even worth mentioning is it.
I can remember the night the Gulf War started. I was seeing Jim at that time, and as usual, not actually seeing him but sitting on my own in the flat, watching the news. Knowing that it was going to happen.

Later in the day....

My work is tremendously depressing. Here is a description of the last couple of weeks:

1. We're going to change Help all around without telling you we actually started doing it, Cait, hope you don't mind.
2. Yes I do mind. Have you taken usability and linking in to account? Have you thought about use of images and colour? What about Search - don't you think that it's important to know what it is the users actually want to look for in their Help? Hello? Are you listening to me?
3. Silence.
4. Ok then, I'll do you some reports on how other people do it and make some recommendations, shall I?
5. Recommendations, good concise ideas and so on, all come out. Two documents. First document explains exactly how much work has to be done. A lot. Silence from management after I'd written it. Second recommendations document I made sure got circulated to design and every bloody person with any interest, in the hope that they'll taker some of the usability issues in to account (haha - that's a good 'un).
6. Cait, we don't want you to do anything with Help at all. No work on it. I have to do some thinking about what to do with it.
7. (Different management area) Cait, we need to sit down and talk about Help.