Ohmygodit'sreallyhappeningshitican'tbackoutnow

I feel like I'm getting married or something. Every so often I get semi-cold feet about it, but then I think - don't be so stupid. You love Kai, you're not going to split up, and this is a very sensible thing to do. But it's so damned responsible!!!!!!!

Frightening.

Saw "A Simple Plan" on Sunday, after Kai had to get up early again to do the tele, like (I had to sit really far forward in the audience, on the end of a row. It wasn't very nice. I felt utterly exposed and weird. They wanted me to sit in the front row. It was all a bit strange because I couldn't really make a fuss and ask to sit at the back. Anyway.).

It's brilliant. Really fucking great. The direction, the use of the winter and the snow was excellent. Billy Bob Thornton surprised me by being good. Maybe it's because the bloke, you know - Bill Paxton? Yeah, him - anyway, it wasn't as if Thornton was the "token trash-boy". He didn't have to OD on the hick stuff so he didn't. I thought, he brought the part a remarkable calmness and grace. I really enjoyed it. He's an interesting bloke, that Raimi.

A woman last night said she had missed her coach home to Eastbourne, and her children had been taken in to care that day. As she walked with me to a cash point (very smart) I noticed she had a very gammy leg. She looked about 60, as she said to me, her voice wavering under the weight of shame, "I'm 42 years old... what am I doing?".

This almost feels like my "to do" list:

1. Have phoned insurance company
2. Have phoned solicitor
3. Have started budgets and timings
4. Haven't replied to Stephen yet at all
5. Made sandwiches
6. Tore muscle in back of leg on walk on Sunday
7. Sky News phone up yesterday, rush off to talk about Seti
8. CMS budgets and timings - erk
9. Let Jo and Yoz down about the ICA, I'm going to have to work on Wednesday and Thursday night until late
10. Got to book time off for eclipse in August
11. Got to write check for woman
12. Got to sort out deposit
13. Got to tell Sonia and Leroy we're moving out
14. Got to go home, it's 7.23
15. Got to go to sleep before 11pm, and not wake up shaking with fear at 5am
16. Got to tell the Sign Language teacher I can't do it any more
17. Got to get my back sorted out, which is seizing up to the extent that sometimes it's agony getting out of bed in the morning
18. Got to buy a decent pump for my bike so I'm not cycling feeling every fucking bump in the road
19. Got to buy a decent saddle - same reason
20. Got to buy a pannier set so I don't have to put a heavy weight on my in pain back every day for an hour each way
21. Got to get mudguards so I can use it in the rain
22. Got to get more Persona sticks
23. Got to get a new fucking brain before this one burns out

New job.

That's it, basically. It's killing me. Relentless, daily, grinding pain of nervousness and pressure. However, it's to be expected I suppose since it's new. So I'll have to do a digest of everything recent I suppose:

1. New job - aaargh
2. Buying a flat - aaaaaargh
3. Sky News - aaaargh (but they're having me back today, would you believe, only a week later, so I can't be *that* terrible)
4. ICA on Wednesday - aaaargh - trying to extracate myself as I speak
5. Having to officially stop my signing classes and start them again next year - there is absolutely no way I'm going to be able to pass that exam, what with missing classes because of work, missing classes because of Sky News - you name it. I feel ashamed in a sense, but I also feel - hang on, it's actually very sensible. I'm far more likely to pass next year, and I'll be better at it too. Like passing your driving test second time. Is any of this ringing true? I hope so.
6. Bomb in Soho - really scary at the time. Really scary. Felt very threatened. Worried about James, Chris... I mean, I started with "oh, Christ, Chris... James..." then it broadened out to - my God, it could have hit any one of my friends, including me. Christ. As I suspected, it was a lunatic, not the right wing. Good for two reasons: 1) It means they're not organised enough to mount a campaign - which in itself means that they are not the force they want the media to imagine they are, and 2) They were made to appear the opportunistic fuckers that they really are.
7. Still no ground troops on Kosovo - I despair. I feel terrible for even suggesting anything like this, but... I mean this is insane. So much of this is Nato's fault...it's disgusting.
8. Boadicea seems to be eventually getting on to it's feet - no thanks to me (see point no.1).
9. Er... that's it.